Friday, June 24, 2016

Comfort zones and Captaincy (6/23-6/24)

Deuteronomy 28:7
 The LORD will make your enemies, who rise against you and attack from one direction, to flee from you in seven directions.

Greetings everyone, 

this post will be very honest. As positive and happy my previous posts have been I have to write the truth, as I have been. I have been here at CBCC for 24 days now. I've learned so much and met so many people. I've felt like I belong and it's great! Recently though, something has happened. As I've settled and been successful at my job and social life. I was  pushing my comfort threshold. Recently though, something has happened. As I've settled and been successful at my job and social life. I was  pushing my comfort threshold. I had also learned something disturbing but ultimately was out of my control. For  those wondering no I will not be elaborating. Back on point; with this new information doubts began to creep into my mind and heart about whether I should continue my summer here. I went into a panic attack (for those of you who know what it’s like or know me to have them) It was awful. I called my mom on break and was a blathering paranoid. She tried to calm me but to no avail. I was in the throws of an attack from the enemy. Not realizing until later. The rest of my day was a little ‘off’ my usual positive personality had shifted. I got along with my co-workers well enough but I could tell by the way they were asking if I was okay, and were afraid of upsetting me that I must of been putting off of ‘monster vibes’ I tried to continue work without letting it affect me. I called my recently reconnected friend. They helped gain perspective on the situation and to remember why I’m here: Grow closer to God. Make friends, and fill out my resume`. Those are my goals, those are the reasons I left home for the first time (no, really) and ventured out of my comfort zone. 
   I have noticed that when I’m about to push out of my comfort zone in a major way that is permanent and effectual I either back away from the edge or freak out. In this case I freaked. Except, my spirit was at peace. While my adrenaline raced and my mind revolted against any positive reassurance of safety. I was exhausted by the end of the day. (If you’ve had panic attacks then you know it can take a lot out of you) Later that night I was sitting the hall of my dorm talking with a new friend of mine. She’s quickly become a confident friend and a mighty prayer warrior. I talked to her about what had happened among other things. She prayed over me and with me and I was filled with a familiar, yet too long forgotten feeling of the spirit filling me to the brink. From the roots of my hair to the tips of my toes I was filled with God’s Spirit and it was wonderful! She had said while she was praying that this summer was a summer of ‘Freedom’ to be ‘Set Free’ as she said. I agreed and got an interesting confirmation the next day. 
   Feeling exhausted from my previous day emotional upheaval. I felt okay, then a ton of bricks fell on me. My recently reconnected friend (whom I liked more than a friend) told me they were moving…to the East coast. I took it as a sign that we weren’t meant to be and told them so. It’s just one of the things to unlock and ‘Let go’ so that I can be set free. I’m choosing to be vulnerable with God and let him see my wounds so that they can be healed. I’m so very tired of carrying so many burdens with an easy smile and quick wit. I want peace, belonging and healing. It will be a long hard journey but I know in the end it will be worth it. 

Tommorow I captain a building for the first time during the first OFFICIAL change over of the summer. I’m praying that I do God and CBCC housekeeping proud! I’ve been running the scenario in my head for days now. Waiting for this exact moment. 

I want everyone at home to know that while I may have bad days, I no longer want to live my life in fear. I want to embrace and grow and expand my horizons. There is so much to do and so little time. God has amazing plans for me and frankly, I Believe a partner to go through this life with. 

Until next time

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